Birth Story of Lizabelle Holli Yates

Friday i felt a bit nauseous. Friday night I started had mild contractions when I went to bed. I woke up to pee around 1:00 and they were heating up. I woke up at 3:30 in a lot of pain. The pain was similar to the contractions of my first labor and 4-7 minutes apart for about half an hour before we headed to the hospital. At the hospital they monitored me and the baby for about 20 minutes and checked my cervix which was 50% effaced 2 cm. they told me I was not in active labor because I didn't appear to be in enough pain and sent me home. At home Brady and I ordered Frankenweenie on On Demand and tried to get comfortable. It wasn't long before Brady fell asleep and my pain was too intense to watch the movie. I started the bath and while getting undressed started to bleed. It freaked me out so I let the tub water out and called the hospital. They told me it was normal to bleed after being checked. I told Brady about the bleeding and he didn't think a bath was a good idea since my water could break. I tried to relax but again couldn't and despite what Brady said I filled the tub again and took some Tylenol. In the tub I continued to have stringy blood ( bloody show) and my contractions were getting bad. I got out and went to my bedroom. On the way i heard Aurora crying and opened her door and told her she could get up but then I started contracting and didn't want to scare her so i continued to my room. I layed on my bed for a bit and then went to the bathroom and pooped while puking into my garbage can. I was in loads of pain. I couldn't lay back on the bed so I kind of just paused on all fours on the ground. That's when my mom came in. i crawled to the bathroom and threw up and cried and she told me to breathe and told her i didnt want her telling me that. i told her to get Brady because I needed an epidural Now. I stayed in the bathroom and bawling and puked in between contractions. Brady came up and was surprised by the way I was acting. He tried to assess how much of by behavior was frustration and how much was pain. This really pissed me off because I felt on the verge of death and he seemed not to get it. I told him to stop talking and that I needed an epidural now!
We got our stuff together once again. I hugged Aurora and we left. It was the most awful car ride. I was hurting so much. I held on for dear life to my garbage can and tissues. I threw up again. I told brady if they sent me home again I wouldn't go. He said we could just go to the call room. i told him I couldn't take it much longer. The hospital is only 15 minutes away thank goodness. We started towards the building from the parking garage and I had to stop during every contraction. I remember looking down the walkway from the elevator to the building and considered running because we were just taking too long and may never make it. Then I remembered pregnant women don't run very well. We got into the hospital and I sat down in the hallway and contracted and then vomited. Brady was not happy that I was acting like a fool in the middle of the hallway. He tried to take my garbage can and tissues and I snapped at him and berated him for acting embarrassed of me. He meanwhile was thinking he either needed to call for help or run ahead and get them to bring down a stretcher. I was probably only in the hall for a few minutes but I finally got up and made it into the elevator. There was a couple in there already so we had to stop at another level and let them out. We got to our floor and Brady went to the desk and I sat on a chair and tried to endure the feeling of being eaten alive like a shark. All the employees were staring at me and it was taking forever. This time they brought out my wristband when they came to get me. They asked if i needed to use the restroom before they checked me. I said yes and went into the bathroom. I peed and contracted and wondered if I would die or if i would be able to leave the bathroom. I made it out and They took me in the room where they monitor your baby and contractions and hooked me up again. It was about 9am. I asked for the epidural. They said they would check me. They checked and I was an 8! I asked for the epidural again and the doctor said yes but then started reading off to me about all the possible things they might have to do during labor; blood transfusions, forceps, etc. and I wanted to claw her face off. I signed my consent and she left. I was hurting worse than I ever imagined a person could hurt. Then I got the sensation that I needed to go #2. I frantically said " Brady I'm going to poop, I'm going to poop." He got a paper towel and put it under my butt. No poop came out. The sensation happened again and this time my sac and a whole load of warm liquid came out. Brady got the nurse and they finally got the idea that I was having a baby pronto. They moved the bed to the delivery room while I lay on my side clenching the rail with a sac hanging out of me. As I went by people exclaimed "look there's the sac!" They told me I needed to change beds and I told them I couldn't do it. A sweet nurse encouraged me to blow the pain away and then to scoot onto the next bed. I did and with some helpers made it to the delivery bed. I once again asked for my epidural with no response. Everyone around me was setting up. I got the urge to push and as I did someone said "there's the head." The baby was crowning. I said "I need to push" and the doctor said "no don't push!" But I pushed and out baby Lizabelle came, the whole body in one push. A nurse grabbed her and they started doing whatever it is they do to a baby that who's just born. I asked if anyone delivered the baby because I didn't see the nurse and I knew the doctor hadn't. Brady said yes. He later told me the doctor was in the middle of getting her gloves on when the baby came out. Well once she got her gloves on she came over and delivered the placenta and pushed on my belly like a squishy balloon and then gave me one suture. They brought the cleaned off baby to me and I held her and beheld that she was perfect in every way. I was in ecstasy with the perfect little gal for several minutes. Then I asked for some pain meds.
Lizabelle was born at 9:56 am Saturday January 19th, three days past due. She weighed 7 lb 7.4 oz and was 20 inches long. Yay! So happy to have her in my arms.

Transitions

Over the past week I've gotten a chance to really savor the little time me and Aurora have left alone. Baby sister is due to come in the next week. We have both been sick and so I haven't really had the energy to get a lot of work done and she has wanted to snuggle anyway.That is the only reason I would ever say I enjoy when my child is sick. Those are the times when she fills my cuddle bank. I love when she just wants to rock with me. Of course I can't really hold her with my big belly in the way; it's more of a side hold. But it means the world to have someone trust and love you so much. She has recently transitioned to her big girl bed and has been having a hard time with it. She's needed more reassurance and love. I've also been able to snuggle her in her bed and the other night I even got to hold her hand while she drifted off. Beautiful. I'm going to miss being able to give her all that I have. Soon she will have to share me and I will have to split my attention between her and the new baby. I probably won't be wanting to spend an extra half hour watching her sleep. I hope she will remember how much I love her when I can barely keep my eyes open.

Only as Sick as the Secrets We Keep

Glennon says we are only as sick as the secrets we keep and I know that to be particularly applicable to me. When I do not share my secrets with someone who can hold me, feel with me, and tell me I'm fine, my mind becomes diseased. So that brings me here, to the place I come when my mind can't hold any more disease and needs healing. Writing is great at healing.
I am needy. Two weeks ago I asked for many prayers to aid in my efforts at getting my unborn child give up her breech position. All the efforts worked, she turned, and for a couple days my mind was cured of the heaviness that weighed it down. The miracle was like a band aid. But band aids fall off.
I am a giant living wound and I feel so obvious and pathetic. On almost every day it would be safe to assume that I am in need of someone putting my name into the temple or offering a special prayer on my behalf. I am always on the verge of oozing and bleeding everywhere. 
I hate who I am right now. Every day I lose my patience with my sweet Aurora. She's two, how can I expect her to act any other age?  But I do. I expect her to take it easy on me because I am struggling. And Brady, I resent him so much for taking down time when he is not at work. I want him to spend all my waking moments with me, to be my crutch and make me feel better. But why would anyone ever want to do that for someone who is never satisfied, for someone so full of requests and "secrets"?
So how am I feeling? That's what they all ask, the neighbors, church folk, and my MOPS friends, but I never get to answer them the way I need to. Secret spilling is just not polite for small talk and  awkward for relationships that aren't at that level yet. I need to say awful. I need to say I feel like I am not being a good mother right now. I need to say I am ashamed I keep crying in front of my daughter, I am disappointed in my irritability and outbursts. I feel so alone most of the time. I am afraid that I will become seriously depressed after my new babies birth and feel towards her the way I felt towards Aurora; heck, I am afraid I will feel that way towards Aurora again after the new babies birth. I am afraid that I am too much for the people I love. That I am more than they know how to handle. That I will worry them too much. I will be too much of a burden. I am afraid that I am different than everyone else I know and they never feel anything like this. And on top of it all my body has never felt worse.
But I am so close to relief of this body. At most 3 weeks left of my belly skin being stretched to the limit, of instable hips that limit mobility and a crotch that could use suspenders, of charlie horses in my shins and toes.
I will be okay after that. I will detach myself from any disease that attempts to fill my mind and put peace in its place. I will smile and I will nourish my babies. I will not obsess over my lack of sleep. I will soak in the great things about the newborn weeks because they are only that, weeks that do not last. I will love others and I will accept love from others in whatever form they are comfortable giving it. I will not expect things to be simple and accept that I will make mistakes. I will take Christ's hand and he will be with me. I will trust him to keep me safe.