Baby Blues

Being a mother to a baby is so hard. I'm struggling right now with spending almost every moment caring for another person, most times two, if hubby counts then sometimes three. I would really love to write more but because I know it's good for my sanity, which is waning, but I'm never alone and I need sleep. The hardest times for me to survive are after Brady gets home exhausted and ready to rest and when I'm getting the baby to sleep at night. It's so depressing knowing that although Brady is home he isn't up to helping me or being present. I curse the basements existence.  It irritates me to the core and makes everything that happens in the evening seem worse. I hate medical residency and what it does to him and me. I hate that he spends so little time off work. I hate his need for personal time when he is home. I hate his naps. I hate his studying. I hate everything that takes him from me and the girls. 
Getting babies to sleep causes me extreme frustration and the rough thing is I must do it every night. I do not believe in allowing a 4 month old to cry themselves to sleep. I don't think they can be held responsible for completing this task alone until they can understand what the heck I'm saying when I tell them it's time to sleep and they can replace their own binky. Up to now I have mostly soothed a bit and then stood or sat near the crib and replaced the binky while swaddled baby turned her head back and forth. The baby is  now able to roll swaddled and break out of swaddle so it's time to give that up, but the swaddle had become a signal to her that its bedtime so it's a bit rough right now. She doesn't get that it's time to sleep without being swaddled. Why do babies always think they need to roll and then not like when they get there? Stay put and go to sleep!
Also. I hate how babies in a supposedly deep slumber can can become awake so quickly. You set them down and their awake. They hear a noise they are awake. You leave the room they are awake, it takes forever to get a break! And I hate short naps. Anything less than 45 minutes should be prohibited. 
I really want to travel in time to when I'm 50 for a day so I can get some perspective and miss these days and then come back and feel less stuck in the seemingly never ending drudgery. 

Here she is, my torturer. Love her to pieces.