I'm feeling desperate lately. But for nothing specific. Its feels like an aching that I've lost something, only I haven't. Aurora is beautiful. Brady's been pitching in. I haven't had harsh words with anyone. Everything is normal. It doesn't make logical sense for bad feelings to come from nowhere and yet they do.
I've been down for a couple weeks probably. I think it started the day my ultrasound didn't reach my expectations. But its more than that because I've moved on, made plans for a new one, and I still feel like someone stole the light from inside me. I feel like just doing the bare minimum to get by around the house, and so I do. I try to have something planned in the mornings that will take me and Aurora out of the house to distract me from my feelings and distract her from noticing anything different about me. When I get Aurora down for a nap, I plan to take a quick breather before accomplishing something and then I can't get back up. I get lost in unsatisfying browsing by tv or iPhone. I dread getting her up because I have no idea what I am going to do with her till bedtime. I feel like I just want to sit there forever.
Its a disease, right? Or am I selfish and lazy.
Last month Brady and I went on a vacation alone. We rented a Mercedes. We went to Niagara Falls. Stayed in the nicest hotel with the best view of the falls from our window and a jacuzzi. We went to Palmyra, NY to see the LDS sights and stayed in probably the only hotel but got the suite, and we went to Lake Placid and stayed in another suite that had a back door opening out to Mirror Lake. That all should have had its own post but that time has passed now. Moving on.
So yea we got broke for a minute there and Brady started to worry that maybe we needed to make some changes to the way we spend money or that I might want to start thinking about putting the kids in child care and going back to work once the new baby is old enough. I panicked! Partly because I have no valuable skills. But mostly because of the idea of someone else raising my kids! Preposterous! Me and only me is good enough to raise my kids!
I often complain about how draining it can be to stay home with children every single day and to do all the housework. But the truth is I would not rather be doing anything else. I have the opportunity to know every piece of my daughter. As soon as any change happens, I notice it. When she spends time with a sitter or goes to nursery at church I notice the new things that she has picked up. Because I know everything that was there before. I know my daughter so well that I notice the small growth that happens in her. If I were to give a large chunk of caring for her to someone else I wouldn't notice the small things. There is nothing more exciting to me than watching my independent little person form from such a helpless infant. All parents get to see that but not quite the way a stay at home parent does. I will gladly pinch pennies and endure the monotony of never ending housework as long as I get to be here and see each developing leaf and petal emerge. What a great job being a stay at home mom to young children is!
(Feel free to slap me now if your having an an awful day with your kids. I do not feel this thankful for my job every day and I might want to kick my own butt tomorrow.)