Growing Up

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

I'm feeling a pull. A pull towards embracing and validating myself from now on. You see, I've become sick from looking towards everyone else to let me know that I am good enough. And when they don't give me that love that I deny giving to myself I feel like I am suffocating on the emptiness. I have given away my peace living this way. I could lose my life living this way. My kids could lose their mother. Its so foolish

I adopted a "victim story" for my life. And held tight to it. Subconsciously I expected I would always be this messed up and miserable. "Its cause is organic." Plus, there are so many things and people in my life that have not measured up to my expectations. I was all comfy there in my pain waiting for "help", expecting friends, family or doctors to fix everything. But I think I need to accept that no one is ever going to be able to help me. If it were possible, I wouldn't be writing this right now. I AM MY HELP.

The way I am going to help myself get better is to become more authentic. From now on what you want me to be is going to be none of my concern. What you think about me is none of my concern. Whether or not you think about me is none of my business. Whether you like who I am or not does not change that I will be me.  I am going to be the same me with every single person in my life. I can't worry about what you think about me anymore.

I have one life. Am I going to spend it regretting my many mistakes? No. Am I going to waste it ruminating on the pain others have caused me? No. Am I going to spend it worrying about whether everyone else thinks I am worth their energy? No. Am I going to question all my decisions over and over again? No.

I've made the mistake of never being enough for myself and torturing myself with horrible thoughts for long enough. I've had it. I've done what I've done and been where I've been and said what I've said and nothing will change what's past. I'm ready to say its okay Melanie. I forgive you for all of that. I love you. Now lets embrace all that we are and are not and move on from stuck. Lets do something better with ourselves.

From now on I will accept my experiences and their feelings and emotions. I will not try to suppress them or label them bad. I will not look to others to validate my feelings. I will feel them and trust myself to know what to do about them.
From now on I will remember that every word and thought has energy. I want the energy I use and share to create more positive energy in myself and others. 
From now on I live my life by what I believe to be right, not what you think is best or what so and so said. I will be true to myself and stop looking around to see if being me is ok with everyone else.
From now on, I am going to live with courage and self confidence instead of fear and doubt.
I know that I deserve it.