Each of us has our own little world thoughts and happenings that we would not normally bring up to someone when they ask us "What's up?" We stick to the safe topics. "Oh nothing much. Husband just finished a big presentation. We are glad that's over. We have a couple birthdays coming up in the family. Trying to decide how we'd like to celebrate them. What's up with you?" There is so much that reply does not include. I think what's not included in the reply deserves an audience. Those bits that aren't included are the really interesting things. Its the stuff that makes up our mood and our overall satisfaction with life at present. That's why blogs are so important. They give us a place to share our real responses and get real responses in return. So lets be real with each other. I'll share my real response to "What's up?" and you share yours.
You: What's up Melanie?
Me: Last Christmas my mother-in-law gave my daughter The World's Biggest Candy Bar. There was pounds and pounds of chocolate. That thing could have sat around for years, but I recently started to grate it and bake just in the name of getting rid of that thing. I add the chocolate to cookies and breads. Unfortunately, every time I bake, I lose control and binge pretty bad. I'm worried that I have no self control and am going to really pay for it someday. I don't want to get unhealthy and I feel like I won't continue to be lucky forever. I feel like I'm either binging or not eating much every day. I have no moderation. I feel like a bad dog who's hopped on the table and ate the roast.
I am also losing the hold on my spending control the past month or two or three. Zulily is the worst site ever. I keep deleting it, but then I tell myself I will just browse and add the app again. I humiliate myself. Sometimes I make it a while because I don't find anything that I particularly care for, but when I find something I can't say no to myself. I say that we really need these kids clothes that I'm buying, but truthfully how can a 4 year old need that many frilly tanks? And besides I know that the quality of some of their stuff really isn't that great and I still keep wasting money. I worry that there is something wrong with me sometimes.
I grew my first white hair. It made me look at my current standing and realize I'm not doing anything I'm really proud of. I know I'm raising little kids, but I'm not doing that so gracefully. I'm so bored that I cannot focus on doing a good job with them many times and I have nothing going on right now beyond that. If you take away the kids I wouldn't be much.
Despite all this, I'm holding up really well. I'm not mopey. I've been getting more things done lately thanks to Abilify. I'm happier but also restless. I think I'm going to be okay as long as I can get control of myself and use my inability to sit for something positive.
What's up with you? I've made myself vulnerable here. Please don't read and ditch. Share with me.