Kangaroo Pouches and Velcro Curlers

My little brother is getting married in May. I am so excited. I feel like I've been invited to the Grammys. I get to shed my bleach stained stay-at-home mom uniform and play dress up. Oh and I'm excited for him too. I haven't put this much thought into what I should wear since I got married 9 years ago. I've been running into some problems though. When I put on my new dress, I was disappointed to see it didn't fit me the way it fits the model on the Internet. The elastic sewn between the bodice and the skirt is having a hard time finding my waist. It ends up sliding above my kangaroo pouch which causes the bodice to scrunch and makes me appear to have long granny boobs. I am now the proud owner of a pair of Spanx. It's not cheating to wear shape wear if your dress is playing dirty, right?

My other big problem is my hair. It is lifelessly straight long and shapeless given that it hasn't been cut or styled in around 1,832 poopy diaper changes. I bought some Velcro curlers thinking they would give me cheap easy way to curl my hair and look fancy for The Wedding. To do a quick test run I rolled my hair in those bad boys and blow dried for a second. Then expecting a miracle to have happened I started to unravel ... only the curlers would not budge. Those little bristles of destruction had their grip on me and would not release. I pulled and pulled and one by one I removed those stupid $10 hair rippers. I lost more hair in those 5 minutes than in all my weeks post pardem. And now I have short hairs in some spots. That should have been the end to the Velcro curler story but while I was in the bathroom my highly sensitive three year old rolled her hair in one. Tears!!! Agony!! 

I've since bought and tried two curling irons and neither has delivered the curls I desire. And my hair goes straight after 10 minutes. I want to be like Mellie from Scandal. What's the secret? Does anybody know? Products and tips please.