In Mourning

I have sooo been trying to "move on." I tell myself that I have control over my mind and that if I just act a certain way my mind will follow. I try to act kind, friendly, giving, unselfish, without judgement even when inside I feel inadequate, doubtful, slighted, and on the verge of losing control. I made real progress in my marriage by acting "as love would act" and thought that this was something that would change me and in time would not take so much effort. But it feels like its all gone to hell. I'm back to the start. I feel awful inside and so alone. People know that I hurt. Which I guess is good except that it doesn't help. I just become a special charity case. I hate being asked "So how's it going?" As if checking how my depression is was on someones to do list. And does it even matter how it is? Once the box is checked I am alone with me again. And what am I supposed to say when they ask? "Well I only had 122 awful thoughts today." That question pulls me back into self pity and makes me feel handicapped. I just keep telling myself I will feel better in a few days. I always do. But I'm still humiliated sitting here in a filthy house where I haven't made dinner in a week. I want to be better. I want to be strength and light. But I am exhausting and weepy. Good moms/wives don't let their houses get out of control while they sit around and play games on their iPhone. I can't bare to decide where all the clutter needs to go. I can't bare to make a meal plan and go to the store. And I absolutely cannot bear to reach out to another person and be told they have plans. Sometimes I feel like the god damned Roommate. If you didn't see that movie its about this girl who's roommate desperately wants to be her best friend, and I mean psychotically. Well I am the psycho who is just dying for a good friend. Watch out because I will comment on every Facebook status update. I am mourning that this is me, forever. I will always go into a deep depression periodically. I will always deal with exhausting negative emotions daily. I will always want others attention more than they want mine. I will always be the one to pick myself up clean up the mess. No one is coming to save me. Its up to me.

Photo taken from here